Friday, May 22, 2015

Road Rage: A Waste of Time

Every now and then, I find myself stuck in traffic. It reminds me of the 21 years I spent driving to downtown Nashville.

In the early years, I'd get frustrated. I'd shout at my fellow commuters.

By the time I arrived at work, I looked like this.

Then I discovered audiobooks. I'd sync my car with my phone, press play, and follow the exciting adventures of various fictional characters.

Add some coffee and what do you have? A relaxing commute. Cut me off in traffic? I don't care. I'm chillin' with my coffee and some good fiction.

Many days, I hated to arrive at work. It meant the end of my quiet time. Plus it meant the beginning

I could have spent my mornings like this...

But instead I made the most of it. I turned it into enjoyable early-morning me time.

Do you suffer from road rage?

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Things I've Learned from Reality TV

Hulu put the entire Real Housewives franchise on its site. I never thought I'd enjoy it but I started watching and couldn't stop.

Along the way, I've learned a few things. I thought I'd pass them on to you to save you from having to watch all 40 billion episodes to learn them yourself!

"Glamping" is a word. Definition: Camping like a Real Housewife. Which involves red wine, real dishes, and a multimillion-dollar cabin in the mountains.

There is a difference between a white wine glass and a red wine glass. I did not know this because I'm not rich. But mostly, I didn't know this because I don't drink wine constantly like some people.

Many, many, many rich people are actually poor. In fact, more than a few of the people participating in the Real Housewives franchise rent houses they can't afford to qualify to be on the show. Some go bankrupt. Some even overspend so much, they end up in jail. It's "keeping up with the Joneses" on hyperdrive.

There is such a thing as edible diamonds. I am proud to say I did not know this.

Rich people have a different vocabulary than we do. "Cheers" is a verb. As in, "Let's cheers to being reality show douchebags."

The Real Hotwives of Orlando is HILARIOUS, but only after you've seen the shows it's parodying.

Do you have any reality TV guilty pleasures?

Monday, May 18, 2015

5 Reasons I'll Never Move Again

Every time I move, I say the same thing.

I also say I'm never going to move again. I was in my last house nine years, though--the longest I've lived anywhere. Since I'm 44 years old, that tells you I've moved quite a few times.

Earlier this month, I moved again. We still haven't unpacked all the boxes. As I struggle to find "the new normal," I find myself uttering the same words I say with every move: "I'm never moving again." Here are five reasons why.

#5: Flood flashbacks

We went through the 2010 Nashville flood. We had to move all of our belongings out, toss 75 percent of them in the trash, rebuild our house, then move what remained of our belongings back in. That was five years ago. Preparing our old house to sell was a little too much like rebuilding after the flood for my taste. I wonder if I'll ever be able to walk into a Home Depot again without having flashbacks.

#4: Discombobulation

Unless you move down the street, chances are you'll have to relearn everything. Where's the grocery store? Who delivers pizza? When is trash pickup? The weeks it takes to settle into a new routine are fine if you have no full-time job. If you're busy, it's all just a pain in the you-know-what.

#3: Paperwork

"Hi. We're handling your mortgage. Before we can close your loan, we'll need you to send over your last three pay stubs, proof of employment, and a pint of blood."

#2: Selling Is a Pain

If you're buying a house, you're moving out of something. Unless it's your mom's basement (and she's really lenient), that means you have to thoroughly clean it and repair all the little things that have become damaged over time. If you put it on the market while you're still living there, it also means you have to be prepared to leave the house every time someone wants to look at it.

#1: Comcast

Comcast is the only Internet option where I live. They outsource local installation to lazy idiots and outsource their calls to overseas workers who have no idea what's going on. The result is a big mess. I could tell you all the ways they suck, but I'm just going to enjoy finally having Internet and hope I never have to speak to a Comcast rep named "Ryan" in India for the rest of my life.

What was your last move like? Do you think you'll move again soon?